You still love each other. You still share a home, meals, maybe even kids. But when it comes to intimacy, something’s missing, and it’s been missing for a while.
This isn’t just about sex. It’s about the slow, quiet space that grows between two people when physical closeness fades. And most couples don’t talk about it until the distance becomes too hard to ignore.
As a licensed sexologist, I’ve seen how a lack of sex in a relationship isn’t always about desire. Sometimes it’s about stress, fear, unspoken pain, or just the wear and tear of life. But I’ve also seen how couples can rebuild intimacy not just physically, but emotionally, when they learn to approach the silence with care instead of blame.
In this article, we’ll explore:
You’re not alone in this. And no, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.
What happens when there is no sex in a relationship?
When sex fades in a relationship, it can lead to emotional distance, feelings of rejection, resentment, and loneliness. While every couple is different, a lack of sexual connection often signals deeper issues like stress, disconnection, or unspoken needs. Many couples can bring back passion and rebuild intimacy with open communication and support.
When couples say, “We’re not having sex anymore,” they rarely mean just the absence of physical intimacy. Often, they’re describing something deeper, a loss of emotional closeness, a feeling of being unseen, or a quiet fear that the relationship is slipping away.
But here’s the truth: there’s no universal definition of “enough sex.” For some couples, it’s once a week. For others, once a month. The real issue isn’t frequency, it’s connection. When sex stops feeling like a shared experience and starts feeling like a missing one, that’s when it becomes painful.
In sex therapy, I often ask:
“Do you miss sex or do you miss the feeling of being wanted?”
That question helps couples see what’s really hurting. Because more than the act itself, people crave closeness, attention, and the reassurance that they still matter to the person they love.
According to research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, nearly 15% to 20% of married couples are in what’s considered a sexless marriage, defined as having sex less than 10 times a year. And many of them still care deeply for each other.
“According to Wikipedia, prolonged sexual abstinence in relationships can impact emotional closeness, mental health, and overall satisfaction, especially when not mutually agreed upon.”
Sex doesn’t just stop for no reason. It fades slowly, often in the background while life demands all your attention. Most couples don’t even notice it until one day, it’s been months since they last touched, and the silence feels heavier than the routine.
Here are some of the most common reasons I hear in therapy:
When unresolved arguments, trust issues, or resentment pile up, the emotional wall that builds also becomes a physical one. You can’t be vulnerable with someone you feel distant from.
Raising kids, sleepless nights, changing hormones, parenthood shifts priorities. For many couples, especially new parents, sex takes a back seat to survival mode.
If one partner doesn’t feel confident or attractive, they may avoid intimacy, not because they don’t love their partner, but because they don’t love themselves in that moment.
Work deadlines, financial worries, caretaking, it all adds up. Chronic stress is one of the biggest killers of sexual desire because your brain is stuck in survival, not connection.
Menopause, low testosterone, antidepressants, or chronic illness can all change libido or physical comfort. These issues are medical, but their emotional ripple effect is very real.
Sometimes one partner just wants sex more often than the other. This isn’t a flaw; it’s natural. But when it’s not talked about openly, it can lead to shame, rejection, or withdrawal.
Important to remember:
Lack of sex is rarely about lack of love. It’s often about layers of stress, silence, and unspoken needs.
Sex may be physical, but its absence is profoundly emotional. Most couples don’t fall apart because of one big fight; they unravel slowly through disconnection, especially when physical touch disappears. When sex fades, it’s not just the body that feels neglected, it’s the heart.
Here’s how that disconnection often shows up:
One of the most common things I hear in therapy is, “I just don’t feel attractive anymore.” When a partner stops initiating or responding to physical closeness, the other often internalises it as rejection, even if that’s not the intent.
No sex often leads to fewer hugs, fewer glances, fewer conversations. Couples start coexisting instead of connecting. What begins as a physical gap can slowly become an emotional canyon.
When intimacy disappears without explanation, it often breeds resentment. One partner may feel deprived. The other may feel pressured or blamed. Without open communication, both carry silent wounds.
You can be in the same bed and feel completely alone. That’s the hardest part. When physical closeness disappears, couples often report feeling like roommates rather than lovers.
Lack of intimacy doesn’t cause cheating, but it can become a vulnerability. People don’t just cheat for sex, they cheat to feel wanted, alive, or emotionally validated.
If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. But your relationship might be asking for help.
Talking about sex when it’s already missing can feel scary. Most people avoid it not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of hurting their partner or hearing something painful in return.
But silence creates distance. And the only way to rebuild intimacy is by starting an honest, non-blaming conversation.
Blame shuts people down. Vulnerability opens them up.
Try:
Don’t bring it up during a fight or when someone is already stressed. Find a quiet moment when you’re both relaxed, and frame it as a desire to reconnect, not a demand for more sex.
Instead of saying, “We never have sex,” say, “I miss feeling close to you.” Let your partner know it’s about intimacy and connection, not performance or pressure.
Use gentle curiosity.
Remember: This conversation might not fix everything in one go, but starting it is a sign that you still care. And that’s a powerful first step.
Sex doesn’t just stop because the love is gone; it stops because life gets in the way. Between exhaustion, stress, unresolved tension, and changing bodies, passion can fade without anyone meaning for it to.
But here’s the truth: you can bring back passionate sex. It won’t happen overnight, but with patience, honesty, and a little boldness, it’s possible to feel that spark again.
Desire thrives on curiosity. Start asking real questions:
Even awkward conversations are better than silence. The more open you are, the less pressure you’ll both feel.
Passionate sex doesn’t happen in between errands or half-asleep. Schedule time not just for sex, but for connection. Light candles. Slow down. Don’t rush to the “main event.” Let tension build. Let laughter in. Let desire return on its own terms.
When couples go too long without sex, jumping back in can feel intimidating. Ease in. Flirty touches. Long kisses. Skin-on-skin contact with zero expectation. Focus on pleasure, not performance.
Foreplay doesn’t start in bed, it starts way before. It’s in how you greet each other. It’s in kind words, playful glances, or unexpected texts. Passion builds through emotional and sexual presence, not just technique.
Many couples wait for sex to feel natural again. But desire is something you can reignite. Start small. Stay curious. Explore together. And if emotional or physical blocks come up, get support.
Sex therapy isn’t just for broken relationships. It’s for couples who want to feel close again in bed and beyond.
If your sex life has faded, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means life has happened. Stress, silence, exhaustion, emotional walls… they can all chip away at desire without you realising it.
But passion isn’t gone forever. With honest conversations, small acts of touch, and a willingness to reconnect without pressure, you can bring sex back not as a duty, but as something you both enjoy again.
And if it feels too hard to fix alone, that’s okay too. Getting support doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you care enough to rebuild.
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